Jeffry G Ford. Journal of Gay & Lesbian Psychotherapy, Volume 5, Issue 3-4. 2002.
This article is, by its nature, subjective. I am sharing my experience and perspectives as one who was heavily involved in the ex-gay movement. I have since become a psychologist and offer my views based on my experience, the scientific literature on changing sexual orientation and an active caseload of clients affected by the experience of having attempted conversion therapies.
My story is similar to some gay men raised during the 1960s. I didn’t enjoy rough and tumble play. I tended to enjoy the company of girls more than boys. I played with dolls and enjoyed dressing up in mom’s clothes. In the beginning my parents and other adults found it amusing but as it continued I became aware of their concern and anxiety. By the age of 13, I was fantasizing sexually about men and boys. My mother was aware of my attractions and behavior. She caught me masturbating and playing naked with a neighbor boy. Her response let me know she was very sickened by it and considered me to be deviant. She had our pediatrician talk to me and forbade me from having any further contact with the neighbor boy.
My father was a gentle and compassionate man. He spent hours with me playing cards and board games. I always felt loved and accepted by him. He frequently verbalized how proud he was of me. I was unable to explain to him the feelings I was experiencing. When other guys at school were trying to “feel up” girls, I was noticing the developing muscles and facial hair on the boys. I frequently tried to arrange opportunities so I could be in the locker room when the athletes were showering. I felt profoundly aroused and profoundly ashamed. I knew of no other boys who were like me. I remember crying about it late at night in my bed. Everything in my environment confirmed my greatest fears. There were no examples of healthy gay males. I believe I was conditioned by my environment to feel self-hatred, inferiority and weakness.
In high school I became determined to hide my true feelings and to try to become “normal.” I dated several girls and learned to brag about my heterosexual dalliances. I did “feel up” girls and tried to become aroused by looking at my brother’s Playboy magazines. Inevitably I would spend hours looking through old issues trying to find images of men which would occasionally appear in the “History of Sex” or “Sex in the Cinema” features of the magazine. As a church-going adolescent, I found myself begging God to make this all go away. When I was 17 I became a born-again Christian and studied the Bible with fundamentalist believers.
As a fundamentalist, a personal relationship with Jesus Christ is emphasized. A very literal and legalistic interpretation of scripture is espoused. Scripture is viewed as literal truth without error and to be trusted far more than one’s own subjective or intellectual senses. There are moral absolutes, some of which, if broken, without repentance, lead to eternal damnation. There are spoken and unspoken rules that govern the acceptability of certain persons as true Christians. There is an emphasis on conformity. Acceptance with good standing is dependent on obedience. Sexual activity of any kind, outside the bonds of heterosexual marriage, is seen as sinful. Homosexuality is forbidden and seen as a perversion. At the same time, fundamentalist Christians frequently emphasize the unconditional love of God. As a closeted homosexual deeply in denial, I wanted somehow to find acceptance and love.
The feelings of defectiveness and isolation made me vulnerable to accept the very conditional and demanding love offered by religious fundamentalism. This began my decade-long search for sexual healing in what has come to be know as the ex-gay or reparative therapy movement. Reparative therapy has become a generic term for almost any approach to healing homosexuality. Reparative therapy always starts with the presupposition that homosexuality is defective and sinful. Before I continue sharing my history and involvement, I want to lay a groundwork to familiarize the reader with the allure of reparative therapy.
Reparative therapy offers the fundamentalist homosexual a way to acknowledge his sexual and affectional feelings without fear of rejection. Seeking reparative therapy is seen as evidence of obedience and willingness to submit to God and Scripture. Frequently these individuals experience a great deal of love and support from others who have come out as struggling ex-gays admitting to their own sexual imperfection. The love and acceptance the homosexual fundamentalist finds within the ex-gay movement is liberating. To move from feeling isolated and alone into a community where others have shared a similar life experience is overwhelming. It is right up there with falling in love or tasting chocolate for the first time.
The ex-gay movement dates back to the mid 1970s, coinciding with the post-Stonewall gay liberation movement. Prior to this time, fundamentalist homosexuals were closeted as much or more than their mainstream counterparts.
The concept of reparative therapy was introduced by the British academic, Elizabeth Moberly, in the early 1980s. Since that time numerous Christian fundamentalist psychotherapists have adopted the term. A variety of books and periodicals have been published promoting the theory. Proponents of reparative therapy assert that homosexuality is pathological and stems from a breakdown in the relationship of the child with the same-sex parent. It is assumed that by meeting the unmet needs of these “wounded” homosexuals, their true identity and orientation as heterosexuals will emerge. I will address reparative therapy in greater detail later in the article. (It is beyond the scope of this article to address the specific claims of reparative therapists and the lack of documented evidence supporting its efficacy.)
Men and women in heterosexual marriages who are homosexual are especially prone to the allure of reparative therapy. I have found that, frequently, the love and communication in mixed gay/straight marriages are healthy and strong. It is the sexual passion and fulfillment that is missing. The promise of healing by submitting to counseling can seem tempting because it allows for what is already good in the marriage to continue. Given that society at large still does not affirm and support the integration and celebration of one’s homosexual identity, the path of least resistance often appears to be conformity.
Persons seeking reparative therapy are almost always very religious with an ideology that precludes accepting or integrating their homosexuality. When a gay man or lesbian first encounter the promises of a changed life and freedom from self-hatred and societal oppression, there is a profound sense of relief and hopefulness. When interacting with them on an individual basis, ex-gay ministries and reparative therapy counselors are generally very warm and accepting. They do not focus on the sinfulness and depravity of the homosexual condition. Instead, they tend to normalize homosexual feelings as something common to men and women who have had tough childhoods and lack of connection and support from their same sex parent. This acceptance is something akin to the acceptance a gay individual feels upon entering a gay bar or other situation where one is surrounded by a majority of gay men and lesbians. The difference however is that the love and acceptance offered by ex-gays and fundamentalists come at an extraordinary cost.
The ex-gay movement has many of the trappings that are common to strict religious sects or cults. The followers are sincere and devout; they believe what they are saying with their heart, mind and soul. There is an ex-gay theology that is in common from group to group across the country and internationally. Most believe the Bible is the ultimate authority on every issue and is the inerrant word of God. They believe homosexuality is evidence of man’s sinful nature and that continuing in genital homosexual relationships will exclude one from heaven. They believe that faith in Jesus Christ is the only hope for salvation and ultimate healing from homosexuality. They believe they have “the truth” and are thus bound to share it with the world with hopes of saving some from the hell fires of perdition. Many discourage followers from associating with unbelievers thus creating separateness and single-mindedness. Followers are discouraged from reading anything written from a pro-gay perspective. To question or doubt is seen as evidence of weak faith and a potential source of opening for the enemy to penetrate.
Central to their belief system is the concept of a literal hell and Satan. This personified spirit of evil is omnipresent and capable of inhabiting the body and influencing thoughts and feelings. Temptations are seen as the work of the devil. Giving in to homosexual fantasies or behavior is seen as surrendering to Satan. There is forgiveness and grace for the repentant sinner but it is frequently mixed with shaming and chastisement. There is a profound sense of love and belonging for those who follow the rules but woe to those who stray.
Since genuine acceptance is something gay, lesbian, bisexual and transgender (GLBT) persons frequently lack but desperately crave, the ex-gay movement is especially dangerous to youth and vulnerable adults. It is my impression that, similar to other cults, the membership appears to be heavily weighted with those we might refer to as disenfranchised or at risk. Since acceptance is conditional there is strong motivation for members to report what is expected and to deny subjective experience. Feelings are always seen as suspect. To trust one’s own intuition is seen as carnal and dangerous. Paradoxically, relying on intellect is also risky and frequently seen as a lack of faith. The emphasis is placed on accepting the truth as it is taught within the group. Questions are answered by elders or other leaders.
The excitement of finding other like-minded people offering hope and acceptance is intoxicating. It can surely be described as “coming home.” The single-minded purpose and upbeat meetings reinforce the feelings of elation. At this point in the process, the new convert feels safe and by power of suggestion alone, may genuinely believe their sexual orientation has been changed.
The problems occur later when the newness and excitement begin to fade and the honeymoon draws to an end. The realization that those old familiar feelings are once again knocking is disarming. The convert feels she or he has done something wrong. At this point, if the ex-gay is open with the others about these feelings, they are often met with words of cautious reassurance. They might be told that the temptations are evidence that the enemy is not pleased. The concept of spiritual warfare may be explained as a huge battle taking place for the soul of the believer. “Just as Jesus was tempted in the wilderness so also the ex-gay must expect a time of testing and temptation.”
There is a strong sense of martyrdom among many of those in the ex-gay reparative therapy movement. By seeing the return of homoerotic desires as an attack, the convert can disown them as something outside of themselves. This reinforces the process of repression and sublimation. A psychological splitting occurs between the good and righteous self and evil and depraved enemy. An essential component of ex-gay theology is the belief that one’s heart and soul, which they refer to as “the flesh,” are fallen and easily influenced by evil. The ex-gay convert is taught that the homoerotic feelings are a lie and deception. They are explained away by the reparative therapy theory as eroticized desires for legitimate love and attachment they did not receive from their mother or father.
When one has been involved with an ex-gay group for an extended period of time, there is less group tolerance for perceived failures. If an ex-gay convert repeatedly confesses to impure thoughts and sinful behaviors, like masturbation, their sincerity and faithfulness are questioned. It is perceived that there is something seriously wrong in the person’s relationship with God. The blame lies not with the failure of the reparative therapist or the ex-gay group, but with the individual.
Frequently the ex-gay struggler will accept full responsibility and try harder to “get it right.” The risk for depression and self-destructive thoughts and behaviors is particularly great during this phase. The person internalizes the shame and believes they are defective. They may think, if God is healing the others, “What’s wrong with me?” The fear of losing the love, respect and acceptance of the group and therapist seem overwhelming. The fear of abandonment intensifies. This commonly leads to an inner awareness that it is no longer safe to tell the truth. To gain the conditional love and acceptance the ex-gay struggler must “go underground” with the existence of their ongoing homosexual attractions. Now, the person is not only a failure, they are lying about it. A cognitive dissonance occurs whereby they have strongly held beliefs but their behavior is incongruent. Holding strongly to certain moral imperatives but failing to adhere to them can create psychological confusion and depression.
To the outsider, all of this may seem hard to comprehend. There can be a tendency among self-accepting gays and lesbians to question how or why anyone could get caught up in this kind of thinking. The ex-gay struggler often feels judged and misunderstood by the GLBT community. They are frequently met with pat answers and disdain from those who have little understanding about the intensity of the internal conflict the person is experiencing. This leaves the ex-gay feeling completely isolated and trapped. They perceive the church, the ex-gay, and the GLBT communities to be unsafe. It is the intensity of these feelings and a profound sense of isolation that can cause a person to consider suicide a viable option.
The beliefs of the fundamentalist ex-gay are complex and deeply held. I will stop short of saying they have been brainwashed but the similarities among cult survivors and former ex-gays is striking. For the ex-gay to admit they are not healed and that their need and desire for homosexual contact is as strong as it ever was, is extremely humbling. They risk and often face rejection from friends and family they have loved deeply. They believe themselves to be quitters and, sadly, they believe they have been abandoned by God and face eternity in hell.
The ex-gay struggler who ventures in to the GLBT community should be embraced like a wounded soldier returning from a prisoner of war camp. They will need time to adjust and find their place. This is not a time to debate with them about their long held beliefs and ongoing fears. The ex-gay struggler should be embraced with true unconditional love. The rainbow flag of diversity must include these people as well. The GLBT community must not demand that they exchange one set of rigid rules and expectations for another. They must be allowed and even encouraged to doubt and to question whatever seems wrong, unfair or unjust. In the zeal to expose the lies and abuses perpetrated by many on the political and religious right one must be clear that it is the
homophobic ideology being opposed, not the people. Ex-gay strugglers must know they are not hated. GLBT persons should be the first to understand how trapped and wounded these individuals are. The challenging process of coming out and celebrating one’s sexual diversity, and refusing to accept the shame and condemnation of the majority, is common to all GLBT persons.
My own personal path toward reparative therapy continued from my high school religious conversion as I pursued conservative Christian fellowship in college. During my time at the University of Northern Colorado, I became very active in Campus Crusade for Christ and other bible studies. I met and socialized primarily with other Christians. Since I had successfully had girlfriends in high school, I convinced myself that the homosexual feelings were diminishing. I had no problems socializing with women and I enjoyed them as friends. I found I could talk and share feelings much more freely with women. At some level I started to think that marriage would be a good thing for me. I thought God would continue to take away the homosexual feelings if I had a wife who would provide a legitimate outlet for my sexual desires.
I had grown quite close to a woman in one of the Bible studies. She and I shared a mutual love and respect. In many ways we appeared an unlikely couple. I was from an upper-middle class family, raised by “proper” Episcopalian parents in metropolitan Phoenix. She was the oldest of 10 children from a family of modest means, raised on a farm in rural Iowa. She and I never really dated, but we spent almost all of our free time together. During my sophomore year and her senior year we began to talk about the future. She had hopes of going on full-time staff with Campus Crusade or entering the mission field in some capacity. I think it was the idea of losing my best friend, more than an erotic and romantic type of love, that led me to propose marriage.
Our mutual friends thought it was quite a hoot when we announced our engagement. Most of them were aware we had never even shared a passionate kiss. It is hard to know for sure what I was thinking or feeling so many years ago. I do recall how awkward and weird it felt when we started to introduce sexual intimacy into our relationship. I secretly prayed for God’s will and for his healing. Up until this point I had never told anyone about my sexual orientation. I wrestled internally with the decision not to tell my future wife about it. I was desperately afraid of her rejection. I was equally convinced that since I had never embraced a gay identity and, aside from some high school experimentation, had never acted on my homosexual urges, that I wasn’t really gay. This is a decision I deeply regret. Although the outcome may have been the same, given the depth of my denial, my deception robbed Cathy of her right to freely choose. With absence of malice, I trapped her into a situation that eventually brought her a tremendous amount of pain. As with most things in life, it’s not all black or white. We shared many good times together, and as a result of our union we were blessed with the opportunity to share in the lives of two very precious children.
It was just over two years into our marriage before I told my wife about my secret struggle. We had moved to Phoenix and I had dropped out of college to run my brother’s insurance agency. It was a busy first year of marriage. We bought a small condominium, started new jobs, and got involved in a local Evangelical church. On the surface everything appeared to be going well. Inside, it was another story.
The all too familiar feelings and desires had returned. I think I was pretty discouraged and angry with God. I felt I had been obedient by trusting God’s direction and getting married. I saw no reason why God would have me continue to battle this demon. I felt like a failure especially because I had yielded to temptation and bought a Playgirl magazine. It was absolutely erotic and exciting to look at the pictures. These were feelings I was not having with my wife, and I remember thinking about past encounters I had experienced with high school friends. I could not understand why God would not just “fix” whatever was broken. I continued through prayer to beg God to make me normal.
A friend of ours came to visit us shortly after our first anniversary. He had been the best man in our wedding. He was a friend from my childhood who had frequently encouraged me in my Christian faith. He had been my counselor at an Inter-Varsity Christian Fellowship summer camp. He and I went camping in the White Mountains of northern Arizona. He was perceptive and could tell that all was not well with me. I’m not sure to this day why but after 21 years of silence, he became the first person with whom I shared my secret. He thought the pressures of living around my family and starting such a challenging career were putting too much stress on me. He minimized the significance of what he viewed as temptations and encouraged me not to start thinking I was gay. He also suggested I might be happier back in a college setting but this time on a Christian campus in the Midwest. He said there would be trained counselors I could talk to in confidence.
Without telling Cathy about my homosexual feelings, I suggested that living in Phoenix was not a good thing for me. She was not liking it much either and welcomed the idea of going back to the Midwest, much closer to her family and friends. Upon gaining acceptance at Bethel, we announced to my family that we were moving to Minnesota. This announcement was met first with shock and later with disapproval. We crammed everything we owned into the back of a U-Haul trailer and drove in tandem from Phoenix to St. Paul.
We got settled into a small one-bedroom apartment. I began taking classes and Cathy took a job with a mortgage company in downtown St. Paul. Several months after enrolling, I finally got the courage to sign up for an appointment with a handsome counselor from the psychology department. My journal entries from this time in my life are telling.
From My Journal, March 28, 1978
I am going to meet with the counselor tomorrow. I don’t really know what to think. I feel that I need help but I also feel that I’m trying to do away with a part of myself. I know I should look at it as sinful and ugly, like a wart that needs to be burned off. Is it possible that those emotions are what allow me to be a sensitive caring male? Is it possible that God has allowed this in my life to build certain characteristics? Is it really ugly and sinful that I want to hold and be held by a man and that I want to have a relationship with a man that includes sex? It sure sounds ugly on paper. I don’t like admitting these things. I really don’t. What is it that causes me to think and feel this way? Is it Satanic? Am I possessed? Where does Cathy fit in? How can I love her as much as I do and do this to her? I am so torn by my emotions. I wish both parts of me could live within my one body. I love Cathy more than anyone else on earth. I don’t want to hurt her. Oh Lord, I don’t want her hurt! What would she do? What would she think if she found out about me?
This entry shows only the tip of the internal torment and confusion I was experiencing. I was married to a woman I cared for deeply. I wanted to please God. I wanted to be true to myself. I was agonizing over it. My experience is not unique. Ex-gay strugglers sincerely desire and attempt to live by their convictions. Central to the process is the presumption that they are defective, broken, sinful and unacceptable. This internalized homophobia is supported and reinforced by society, religion, family and friends.
I met with the psychologist. He was kind and supportive. He assured me there were others at Bethel facing similar temptations. It was comforting to know others were out there but due to confidentiality concerns he could not put us in touch. Dr. A. took a cognitive behavioral approach. After gathering family and sexual history, he suggested I would be a good candidate for a procedure known as aversive conditioning.
The process of aversive conditioning or electric shock therapy involves pairing negative stimuli “shock” with the unwanted psychosexual response. In my case, I was frequently hooked up to an additional device known as a penile plythysmograph used to measure blood engorgement to the penis. When the meter shows arousal, the shock is immediately administered. In theory, for this to be effective there must be a strong arousal. I was invited to look through stacks of homosexual pornography to identify images that would be particularly effective for that purpose. The sessions lasted about 45 to 50 minutes during which dozens of shocks were administered. The two electrodes strapped to the underside of my forearm left burn marks the size of quarters.
The psychologist also used a therapy known as covert sensitization. During these sessions I was encouraged to imagine a very stimulating same-sex encounter. As I experienced strong arousal I was guided into a scenario that was either repulsive or frightening. On one occasion the object of my attraction vomited all over me. On another occasion I was arrested by an undercover police officer. The combined therapies spanned about 40 sessions over a three or four month period of time.
During the period of time when I was actually going through the weekly therapies, I recall feeling hopeful and reported that I was having far fewer homosexual fantasies. As treatment progressed and the time between appointments was being stretched out, the fantasies started to increase. Within a month or so of termination, the fantasies were back to pre-treatment levels if not greater.
The process, in my opinion, was barbaric and abusive. I felt ashamed and embarrassed waiting in the outer office with patients of other therapists. I would try to hide my arm or wear long sleeve shirts so others wouldn’t see the burn marks as I left. The emotional roller coaster was fatiguing. I sank into depression when I realized the painful and expensive therapy had failed.
From My Journal, July 2, 1979
I am not finding the victory that I portray on the outside. I feel that I am living a lie. I have many things to work through in my life. I am in no way “under control.” Lord, which way do I turn? How hard do I have to try before your grace will intervene? Is the ex-gay life no different than a celibate homosexual lifestyle? God, where is the freedom? Are we following the wrong path? Do you honestly want people to remain in bondage to homosexual temptation? Lord, what are we going to do about this situation? You know how much I love Cathy. You also know how I look at men and what I long for. God, it’s out of my hands, it’s up to you. My own wisdom and insight is not sufficient to handle this situation. How can I tell others that Jesus offers help for the homosexual when I am not healed? I don’t want you to look bad so I put on a front. How long can this go on? I know that the testing of my faith produces endurance but this is getting to be ridiculous!! Why do homosexuals have to go through so much hell? Is it a handicap or some sort of cross to bare? Dearest Triune God, I ask you to reveal the truth to me in a very real and very dynamic way. If you will honor this request, I will share the truth with as many as will listen, by any means that you will provide. I am a Christian. I accept Jesus as Lord and Savior of my life. I lay claim to the promises that are mine. Lord you must answer my prayer. Convict my heart and show me your truth. Just for the record, I want to be free from all homo sexual temptation and sin. I want to be healed, if this is what healing is, but I refuse to lie. I must know genuine healing and God’s unblemished truth or I can’t go on. Speak to me soon Lord God, speak to me now. These things I pray in the name of Jesus Christ, the Son of God, who died to set me free. Amen!
I hope as you read the words from my journal you can sense the intensity and sincerity of my struggle. I know from my years within the ex-gay movement that the desire to love and serve God is genuine. Ex-gay followers and leaders are, in most instances, very good people trying to do what they believe is God’s will. When I wrote “or I can’t go on” in the journal entry above, I was referring to suicide. The idea of accepting myself as a gay man was impossible for me to comprehend. The mindset of the ex-gay struggler cannot accept or integrate the possibility of being gay and Christian at the same time. The thought of living my life as a gay man and going to hell seemed much worse than taking my own life while I was still in grace.
When aversive conditioning didn’t work, I went in search of what else might be out there. I read every new Christian book on the subject. I joined the counseling staff at OUTPOST, a Minneapolis based ex-gay ministry, and as a result was able to communicate with people across the country and overseas. The original intent of the annual Exodus conference was to provide an opportunity for other like-minded people to share information and fellowship. Keynote speakers were brought in to share the latest ideas on homosexual healing and recovery.
Within the ex-gay movement, there was division and controversy over the role of “demons” and the sin of homosexuality. Some believed that by exorcism or deliverance, the demon of homosexuality could be cast out affording the believer an instantaneous cure. When temptations returned or persisted the victim of the exorcist was often blamed. The concept of “secret sin” was introduced. It was assumed unsuccessful exorcisms were the result of sin that had not been confessed. After episodes of deliverance or exorcism, which were frequently long and dramatic, there was tremendous psychological pressure to report healing. I don’t think the reports of healing were deliberate attempts to deceive. The emotional intensity of the experience, the expectation for change, and the peer pressure all worked together to reinforce the denial. The emphasis on this form of healing has lessened considerably over the years. The evidence of radically changed lives was never there to support it.
My deliverance experience was not particularly remarkable. I sought out a charismatic Lutheran minister in the Twin Cities and requested help. There was no screaming or frothing at the mouth. The minister laid his hands on me at the altar of the church and asked me to “renounce Satan in all his works and all his ways.” He spoke in tongues for awhile and declared me healed. He exhorted me to claim my healing by faith. He warned, if I entertained homosexual thoughts again, I would be opening the door for seven more demons to enter where the one had left. Apart from being scared out of my wits, my experience with exorcism was not life changing.
As a movement, the emphasis moved away from immediate healing and shifted to discipleship model. Healing is seen as a process and an event. This conceptual change allows ex-gay devotees to honestly say they are healed even though homosexual attractions persist. A common battle cry or slogan of the ex-gay crowd is “by His stripes we are healed.” The healing is seen as something already accomplished by Jesus. The role of the disciple is to “name it and claim it.” A national leader and cofounder of Homosexuals Anonymous, Colin Cook, espoused a complex theology. Based in his exegesis from the New Testament book of Romans, Cook taught that everyone is heterosexual in Christ. This concept aids in the believer’s struggle with duplicity. The ex-gay sees heterosexuality as something they can claim as true while viewing homosexuality as a deception. The newest ex-gay covert, snatched from Satan’s grasp out of a homosexual love affair, can honestly say, “I am heterosexual” or “I am straight” while reframing homosexual attractions as illusory and untrue.
Cook developed an extensive training seminar that was required before a Homosexuals Anonymous group could be established. The OUTPOST Board approved a motion allowing the ministry to provide space and resources for a local HA chapter to begin. I was chosen to go to Reading, PA for the week-long training. While in Reading I stayed with Colin and Sharon Cook and their two children. Cook became for me a role model and hero. He seemed to have a handle on the ex-gay theology and had achieved a level of healing I had not seen anywhere else. Cook told me he was 100% heterosexual and had the answers to help others achieve the same. I took copious notes at the seminar and bought his 10-tape series on overcoming homosexuality.
Homosexuals Anonymous groups are self-led. There is no paid staff. The only requirement for membership is a desire to be free from homosexuality. It is a 14-step group that closely resembles the format of Alcoholics Anonymous. Cook reworded many of the steps to make them specifically Christian and added a couple of new steps as well. I was so impressed with Colin Cook I invited him to keynote for the annual OUTPOST two-day workshop. Ministry leaders from around the country came to hear Cook for the first time. His insistence that God had completely healed him was unique in the ex-gay movement at that time.
Cook’s bold proclamations were soon to be exposed as lies. Members of a pro-gay Adventist group known as Kinship got word that some of his clients reported having received nude massages from Cook during the course of therapy. Kinship members interviewed dozens of his former clients. Seventh-Day Adventist sociologist Ronald Lawson uncovered evidence from 14 young men who complained of sexual pressures from Cook during counseling sessions. On November 19, 1987 the board of Cook’s Quest Learning Center/Homosexuals Anonymous voted to accept his resignation and to close Quest. It decided to continue HA in a new location and with services limited primarily to mail and phone contact rather than face-to-face counseling.
Cook used his position of power to manipulate vulnerable men and objectify them for his own self-gratification. He appeared on the Phil Donahue Show earlier in 1987 proclaiming the ex-gay message. Even after the producers were informed of Cook’s resignation and misdeeds, they rebroadcast the show on December 19, 1987. I had been privy to numerous rumors and anecdotal stories about Colin years prior to the public announcement. Cook’s story is not unique. Ex-gay leaders and followers frequently engage in homosexual contact. It was this awareness that led my wife and I to seriously question the honesty of the message we were proclaiming.
Inner healing is a form of prayer therapy used by many ex-gay practitioners. It involves a prayerful guided imagery experience during which the Holy Spirit is invited to reveal unresolved hurt and woundedness in the life of the ex-gay subject. Unlike deliverance or exorcism, the inner healing experience tends to be soothing. In my persistent pursuit of healing, I became enamored with the teachings of Leanne Payne. She is the author of several books on inner healing. She was brought in by Exodus to keynote at one of their annual conferences. She is just one among many figureheads whose ideas were popularized for a period of time only to be replaced or accessorized with the next “concept de jour.” My wife and I attended her workshops and conferences and devoured her books. I contacted her in confidence and requested a private consultation. Since I was a respected leader in the ex-gay movement, she consented. I was invited to her home in Milwaukee. Once again, I got my hopes up, believing God was going to answer my heartfelt prayer for healing.
From My Journal, December 11, 1983
Met with Leanne Payne. Shared my dream about the tiger chasing me into my parents backyard and other history. She saw both characters in my dream as being me. She saw me as being separated from my own masculinity and putting my masculine self in great danger. She prayed and anointed me with oil. She saw “darts” in my mind, lies that had entered in. She had me deal with bitterness and unforgiveness toward my mother. I saw fear in my mind, fear of someone hurting me or beating me up. Jesus helped me pull out that weed and he burned it … We prayed through my envy and insecurity with my body. Her advice for me is to live from the center, to no longer walk along side of myself. My homosexual desires are just a desire to love myself. I am projecting my masculinity onto another person, unable to accept it in myself. She prayed that I would write and become an author. She anointed my hands with oil as she prayed. She says the healing is complete. My mother has been healed and freed and so has Rick B. She says in relation to K. that I may discover a whole new way to love him as a man. This lasted 2 hours. No intense emotion but some tears did come. By faith I claim the healing and I will walk by faith in the completed work of Jesus Christ.
Once again, my hopes were raised but to no avail. I kept on trying to understand and accept the inner healing that was to have taken place. A year or two later Payne’s next book Crisis In Masculinity came out. I was shocked and saddened to see she had used me as one of her examples without ever having asked my permission. The concept of boundaries and professionalism is frequently lacking within the para-church ex-gay ministries. Most of the “counselors” have no professional training.
My own ignorance about boundaries emerged when I formed an intimate friendship with a member of the local HA group. We were instantly drawn to one another. I was sexually attracted to him. It wasn’t long before we had our first “fall.” Here was another occasion that brought me to a place of desperation. He and I felt tremendous guilt about our sexual experiences together. It was so confusing. I felt emotion and attraction toward him I had never experienced with my wife. The intensity of the sexual experience was remarkable. The intensity of the guilt was almost unbearable.
We felt compelled to confess our sins to my wife. She was understandably quite upset. She didn’t want to know the details. She said she felt betrayed and disrespected. She also felt it was not her place to tell me what to do about it. She was as hurt and frustrated by the lack of genuine “healing” taking place in my life. She was also aware my situation was not unique. As leaders in the ex-gay movement, we were privy to inside information about numerous “falls” and indiscretions taking place across the country. It was not uncommon for members of the Board of Directors for Exodus to be disciplined or removed as a result of sexual acting out.
After a great deal of prayer and conversation, Cathy and I decided to continue to try to make things work. We had just adopted a child. We were financially dependent on the ministry for survival. We put all of our chips on one last glimmer of hope. Elizabeth Moberly’s reparative therapy model was presented as science. Moberly’s writings sounded intelligent and articulate. I used my influence as an ex-gay leader and along with Robbie Kenney, the founder of Outpost, and Doug Houck, the founder of Metanoia Ministries in Seattle, WA, we contacted Dr. Moberly in Great Britain. We offered to bring her to the States to present conferences on her theory. Cathy and I became friends with her and invited her into our home. She was convinced that as my legitimate same-sex love needs were met, my homosexual attractions would abate. Based on this theoretical assumption, my wife encouraged me to continue in my relationship with the HA member, albeit without further sexual involvement. The goal of course was healing.
I found myself falling in love with a beautiful man. I went back into therapy with the same Christian psychologist who had attempted the aversive conditioning. I told him everything and had him read Moberly’s book Homosexuality: A New Christian Ethic. For many months Kent, my HA friend (and now partner of 12+ years) and I tried to affirm each other’s masculinity. We attempted to keep the relationship above reproach. My therapist was also very supportive and nurturing. We were doing our best to see if reparative therapy would work.
Instead of the erotic desires diminishing, they seemed to become more intense. Instead of feeling better about myself as a heterosexual, I was beginning to like and accept myself as a gay man. In addition to reading Moberly’s book, I was also reading The Road Less Traveled by M. Scott Peck. I was impressed by Peck’s premise that “Life is difficult.” I was especially challenged by his call to live life with honesty and integrity. I was confused for a period of time. I was trying to figure out, as Peck encouraged, what it meant for me to accept responsibility and face the truth.
I looked back on the years of tormented struggle doing what I thought was God’s will. I pondered the realities I was aware of within the greater ex-gay movement. I continued to pray and seek God’s will. I became convinced I needed to face the pain of rejection, financial loss, and uncertainty about my marriage and the future. I discontinued my therapy for a while and took a leave of absence from the ministry. Kent and I privately affirmed our love and commitment to one another and to God in prayer. Six months after going before the Board of Directors and explaining the truth about my love and relationship with Kent, I offered my resignation.
My wife stayed on with the ministry for another year but she knew also she would need to find another means of employment. It took a few more years of therapy with gay affirming therapists for all of us to reconcile with ourselves and each other. Cathy and I separated and Kent and I moved in together. We agreed to share joint physical and legal custody of the children. For the past 12 years we have lived only blocks away from my ex-wife. We have shared all major holidays and birthday celebrations together as a family. When we divorced, we did not stop loving one another. We chose to redefine our relationship to reflect what it was from the beginning, a deeply committed friendship.
I think the single greatest challenge facing the conflicted ex-gay struggler is the decision to emancipate. Emancipation is a necessary stage of emotional development for all adolescents and young adults. During emancipation, adolescents and young adults challenge the boundaries and beliefs set forth parents, teachers, ministers and others who have held a place of authority in their lives. During this time adolescents and young adults will explore: their sexual feelings and beliefs, their political leanings, their religious convictions and so much more. This is a necessary phase in healthy development of self-esteem and autonomy. Adolescents who are allowed and encouraged to think for themselves and explore doubts or questions gradually foreclose on a sense of self identity. This is an evolutionary process that changes and develops over time. Psychologically healthy people are always evolving, taking in new information and integrating it as necessary.
Based on my personal experience as an ex-gay leader and my clinical experience treating survivors of ex-gay groups, it appears to me that many ex-gay persons may experience challenges with issues of emancipation and autonomy. They tend to look to people in authority to help define them. They are often taught not to trust their own instincts. They become convinced that, due to their sinful brokenness, they cannot trust or believe in themselves. Since they lack the ability to think and make decisions on their own, they are quite prone to become followers of charismatic leaders or movements. They prefer a world where black and white, right and wrong are clearly defined for them. They cannot tolerate the anxiety associated with unknowns. Since they may have little internalized sense of safety and self-confidence, they tend to rely on beliefs and dogma which are clear and distinct.
When the ex-gay struggler admits to his or her defective sinfulness, fundamentalist Christians are quick to confirm this and offer strict guidelines and conditional acceptance. As with many religious cults and fundamentalist sects, ex-gays develop a victim mentality. A sense of martyrdom is assumed. The internal suffering is perceived to be a “cross to bear.” Rather than embracing and accepting themselves, ex-gays look forward to the next life when they will be rewarded for their faithfulness.
There is a strong sense of community and support among ex-gays. However, there is an ever present guardedness that prevails lest one become emotionally dependent or sexually attracted to a fellow struggler. It is this very dilemma that continues to challenge the ex-gay movement. When gay Christians were closeted and isolated, there was little opportunity for “slips and falls.” By bringing them together, the ex-gay movement has had to deal with the “temptation” that comes when one is in the presence of the object of lust or desire.
Ex-gay groups vary in their approach to handling concerns about sexual or emotional transgression among members. Most attempt to regulate or control it by the imposition of rules and guidelines. For instance, it is seen as improper for two ex-gays to be alone with one another. They are encouraged to meet and fellowship in groups of three or more. Friendships that are becoming too intense are broken up or at least contact is significantly curtailed.
There are some things that can be potentially very comforting and healthy about the ex-gay ministries. Due to being a minority within a minority, ex-gay Christians often form very meaningful connections with one another. Since sexual relationships are strictly forbidden, these men and women are forced to relate to one another first on an emotional and psychological level. The sexual tension is constant, but by sheer strength of will or fear they frequently refrain from consummating the relationship. These friendships develop over time based on a sense of genuine care and respect. This is why the pain of separation and sexual repression becomes so intense.
When ex-gay friendships are allowed to continue, they often become the needed motivator that jump starts the dormant or repressed drive for emancipation. The subjective experience of falling in love is extremely intense. Many ex-gays and gays alike report it was experiencing the strong emotional bond with a same-sex person that precipitated the decision to “come out.” A thought something like “How can something that seems this right be so wrong?” encourages the process of self appraisal. This can lead to greater emancipation and eventual foreclosure on a homosexual identity. Since the term reparative therapy is a generic descriptor for a variety of ex-gay modalities, the relative dangers and side-effects vary from practitioner to practitioner. Former ex-gays report having experiences that range from relatively benign to intensely destructive.
The political aspect of the ex-gay movement cannot be ignored nor should it be minimized. There is a very strong, well-organized and well-financed mechanism in place to systematically repeal gay rights ordinances, to get the pseudo science of reparative therapy into the schools and to influence public opinion toward homophobic polarization. By creating ex-gay “superstars” to parade before the media and political decision makers, they hope to stir up just enough doubt and concern to sway the “malleable middle” toward the “repressive right.”
I reflect on my years in the ex-gay movement with varied emotions. At the time, I believed I was doing the right thing. I felt we were pioneers. In time the ex-gay movement will form a unique piece of the greater mosaic in GLBT history. I feel grief and responsibility for the misguided direction I offered many sincere and wonderful people. I continue to trust in the sovereignty of God and believe all things work together for good. I am so fortunate to have a loving partner and beautiful kids. Our neighbors and schools have been kind and supportive. The peace and wholeness I am experiencing make the challenges and difficulties of the road less traveled all worthwhile.
I urge psychologists and all psychotherapists to expose the pseudo-science of reparative therapy. I encourage all licensed professionals to pressure their respective Boards to address the ethical concerns and psychological dangers associated with this experimental therapy. I invite victims of reparative therapy to come forward and pursue legal and psychological remedies. I am aware of numerous attorneys who are actively encouraging those wounded by reparative therapy to hold their professional perpetrators liable.
What started as a grass roots movement led by religious GLBT persons has been taken over by extremists from the religious and political right. Their clear and stated goals involve changing public opinion and so called special protection under the law. They use unsupported claims from the pseudo-science of reparative therapy to further their cause.
Although my partner and I survived our years in the ex-gay movement, I would not wish them on anyone. I will sound the alarm concerning the social implications of what has become a multimillion dollar organized campaign to spread misinformation for political gain. I will continue to do anything in my power to expose their fraudulent claims.